Written by Chloe Manchester
We’ve all seen them. Wandering the halls of Parlin, hunkered down at the PCL, asleep on the front lawn. These are the people you know without ever really knowing, the English majors so distinct you’d recognize from a good six feet away.
The Shakespearean’s wardrobe consists entirely of graphic tees with some sly saying such as “prithee, let my meat make thee silent” or “fighteth me.” They love to crack a “wit” joke or insert a “that’s what she said” wherever possible, making serious classroom discussions mercifully lighthearted. They were definitely in theater in high school, and you know this for certain because they always play broadway hits on aux and remind you for the umpteenth time that they played Jean Valjean or Madame Thenardier in their high school production of Les Mis. The Shakespearean is, while exhausting, an infinitely entertaining character.
The Modernist likes to ask people if they’ve read “The Waste Land.” They go to parties and genuinely enjoy feeling like the outsider, believing it to be excellent research for the novel they’re going to write. They ask for a typewriter every year for Christmas, and refuse to begin said novel until they have one. They either wear a t-shirt-skinny-scarf combo straight out of Liverpool circa 2003, or all black with platform boots.
The Classicist is an English and Latin double major. They wear turtlenecks no matter the weather, and carry a leather satchel in lieu of a backpack. They go to Caffe Medici at least once a week in order to see and be seen. They’re always asking what you’re reading so they can tell you what they’re reading (The Odyssey, Emily Wilson translation). They are beautiful and intelligent, very enticing, but can be as incurably cold as the ancient marble statues they resemble.
The Wattpad Fanatic
The Wattpad Fanatic writes romance fanfiction about Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger instead of writing their papers. They’re a passionate defender of young adult novels and Chick Lit, and have the best recommendations for a laid-back read when you’re brain-fried after reading Paradise Lost and The Canterbury Tales back-to-back. They’re intense in person, passionate in friendship, and their Wattpad stories are better written than most of The Modernist’s favorite books.
The Testosterone Terror
The Testosterone Terror secretly wishes there was a war going on so they could fight in it. They only drink whiskey. They love short, choppy stories with even shorter, choppier sentences. Their favorite graduation gift was a box of premium Cuban cigars. Where some dream of cottagecore, The Testosterone Terror dreams of cabincore – fishing rods, flannel button downs, and an endless pile of logs just waiting to be split open. They only read the same four authors: Vonnegut, McCarthy, Hemingway, Bukowski.
The Sci Fi Kid
The Sci Fi kid worships not God, but Philip K. Dick. Their response post on The Martian Chronicles subreddit got over 2000 upvotes. They live in a post-truth state and are terrified of Elon Musk. They read about conspiracy theories incessantly and don’t trust the government. They are most likely libertarian. I probably don’t need to tell you this, but their favorite movie is 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The Radical has had a pink pussy hat since before it was cool. They read Sylvia Plath at way too young of an age. Their twitter is just as aggressive as their haircut, but their compassion outshadows both. The Radical spent an entire paycheck to buy a first edition Sisterhood is Powerful and single-handedly convinced their racist uncle to vote for Bernie through the use of Audre Lord quotations. The Radical struggles to walk beneath the sheer weight of all the buttons pinned onto their Fjallraven backpack and denim jacket.
The Slacker always wants to talk about their DMT trip. They pretend to hate social media but really get down with tumblr (#trippy). They work as a cashier at Trader Joe’s. They wear a lobster shirt because it reminds them of their two favorite things – Consider the Lobster by David Foster Wallace and Kramer from Seinfeld. When The Slacker sees the no-shoes boy wandering around campus, they get jealous.
The Romantic is Pinterest famous. They are undoubtedly an INFP. They run into street signs because they’re constantly reading books while walking down the street, and occasionally get pneumonia from standing outside fully clothed during a rainstorm. They can bang out a 10 page paper in a single night, and thrive off the sheer thrill of it. The Romantic walks in beauty, like the night.